Confessional / Oh. How I Hate Meetings

photo credit: Andrew Feinberg

I detest meetings. I hate them. I despise them. With every fiber of my being.

I know, I know, sometimes they’re necessary. If by “necessary” you mean “extreme waste of time that could have been handled over email, if only everyone would take responsibility for acting on the information in the circulated memo, which I also hate.”

Trainings, I don’t mind. I don’t count those as meetings. People get together, they learn something. They go home when the learning is over. At meetings, things don’t get done. At meetings, people plan for things to get done.

No, I don’t even like phone meetings. A meeting is a waste of time, most of the time. A phone meeting is such a waste of time that we’re too lazy or too inconvenienced to even talk about in person. Guess what?

If it’s not important enough for me to fly out to see you, it’s not important enough for a phone meeting. A phone call? Maybe.

Why do I hate meetings?

1. Most are unnecessary.
2. I could have done everyone’s work myself rather than go to one.
3. They are 75% less likely to result in work than someone getting an email that says “Do this.”
4. Even meetings that are “necessary”, outside the above redefinition of the word “necessary” could have been handled in some other way that doesn’t include meeting.
5. They are misnomers. When you think of meeting someone, there’s a connotation of excitement. Even if you’re talking about a track meet, there’s an element of fun included. Instead? It’s a suck-a-thon. Every time.

The only necessary meetings are the ones where you meet everyone involved. But inevitably, you end up meeting everyone again. Weekly. In perpetuity. Because someone, somewhere, won’t be accountable for their actions unless more than one person hears them say they’re gonna do something? Me?

It doesn’t matter if I promise in front of 10 people, 1 or 1000. Whether I get something done depends on whether it was doable to start with. If it is, I will. Regrettably, the phrase “in my own sweet time” applies. But it’ll get done.

So why the rant about meetings? Because instead of being able to finish the work I have to do, this audio I was really having a fun time doing, I have to stop. And take a meeting.

And Seth made a funny post about meetings recently that you should go read now, until I come up with something new and different to say.