Matt Williams asked a good question about Ego Boundaries.

What is ego boundaries, and when do you know that you have crossed them?

Here’s my answer, Matt.

photo credit: yummyporky

Learning about the ego is directly related to how we socialize. And socializing online is integral, of course, to social media. So I’ll answer your ego boundary question first, then talk for a sec about how that relates back to when you to check yours in the context of social media.

First, an aside:

I wish I had discovered a lot more about the ego sooner than I did, too. Actually I take that back, because I knew about the issue of the ego, but then I let my ego keep me from learning more. It’s a constant struggle – but it’s one that you struggle less with over time.

Anyway, to answer your question about ego boundaries – I’m no psychologist but here goes. The ego is the self we think we are. So the ego boundary is edge of that false self that tells us, this is me, and everything else is not me.

The reason ego boundaries are important is because they frame our fundamental sense of reality, and how we play the game of life.

When you have an ego that is out of control, or that you overly identify with, you have a tendency to be hyper-protective and threatened by anything that breaches the boundary between the inner voice and the outside world. What we fail to realize is that that inner voice is not really you, but the fact that you think it is you gives it power to be the one running your life.

If you’re a person who feels helplessly under the control of certain emotions, or can’t seem to make certain good decisions even though on a conscious level you Know that what you’re about to do is bad for you, that’s a sign that your ego is in control.

When you have your ego under your control, you can master anything because you can operate beyond those specifications.

For example, “winning” the game of life for a person caught up in their ego is more about protecting and promoting the self we think we are, our egos. But when we understand that we’re not our egos, “winning” the game is about enhancing the life experience of our actual self, which by virtue of discovering the ego, we no longer see as separate from the rest of the world.

Therefore there is nothing to protect – because there is nothing to fear.

There’s nothing that is not under our control to some degree, and at the same time, because of that we don’t need the control. The point becomes experience and mastery, rather than protection of our false sense of identity security.

In social media, you don’t necessarily want to guard against crossing the ego boundary. A peaceful crossing is arguably a good thing. If you’re still in the early stages of dealing with your own ego or having trouble with it getting in the way of your higher purpose, then you want to properly manage it.

You can mostly tell when you’re being overprotective of your ego when you find yourself fighting with yourself over your new objective of being more sharing.

If you’re constantly thinking about whether or not you’ll get enough credit, or thinking it’s a waste of your time or resources to share items, or you become obsessed with when your contribution is going to come back to you in terms of traffic, chances are your ego is becoming a problem.

Now, the ego, in my opinion, isn’t to be completely conquered and decimated. There are good things about having an ego – we just need to stop Identifying the ego as our true selves. Then we stop putting our need to protect our ego above meeting objectives that are for our own good.

When using social media, we have a tendency to think more about how each action will directly result in traffic, rather than taking a long term view of how the situation will benefit us. It’s the reason why so many people only participate when it benefits them directly, or think it’s a waste of resources to cultivate relationships with others through sharing. That fear that what you put in won’t come back to you in some way is all ego.

If you’ve dealt with your ego, it doesn’t matter if it does or not. And, ironically, it increases the likelihood that your efforts will be rewarded with attention dramatically.

People’s need to protect their own egos knows no bounds. They will lie, cheat, steal, kill, do whatever it takes to maintain what we call ego boundaries.

Dr. Andrew Samuels
Professor of Analytical Psychooogy, University of Essex

photo credit: h.koppdelaney

Recently I wrote that there is only one true power of social media.

Before that I said that the simple secret to social media is understanding that it’s about relationships, and that fixing, founding or forgetting a relationship with solve the majority of problems you have with social media.

Actually that applies to just about any type of traffic generation you’re going to do, whether it’s foot traffic to a local restaruant, or online traffic to a website.

Now what does any of this have to do with egos?

We’ll come back to that in a minute. First, riddle me this.

Who is the most powerful person in a game where gaining approval is the ultimate goal?

photo credit: Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com

Is it the person seeking approval?

Certainly not.

If you’re this person, you’re asking other people to give you their power (of approval), which puts you in the position of need. So you’re actually the weakest person in the game.

Is it the person giving approval?

Not if they can only give their own approval. This person is just one vote of approval in a sea of many.

Think about it – if I wasn’t an all-around traffic expert, published in reputable expert publications, or didn’t have traffic advice that consistently works, you wouldn’t care if I blogged about some new resource.

You’d be thinking so what, what does she know, why am I even here? As you’re probably thinking with anyone who touts themselves as an expert without establishing that it’s actually true first.

We’re skeptical, and we should be. Not everyone is honest in business, sadly. Not that I’m some paragon of virtue, I just like to save time, and honesty? HUGE time saver.

Which leads us to the two exceptions to this rule.

If that one person’s vote has more weight than others, they are more powerful than another person whose vote only has regular weight.

And if their vote influences others, they are more powerful by the factor at which their approval moves other people to action. We see the former in the case of super delegates. An example of the latter would be a celebrity endorsement of a product that increases sales.

So. What person is most powerful in a game based on approval?

It’s a person who can influence people to give their approval but does not need this approval themselves.

Here’s where all of the traffic and social media talk has to do with egos.

The social media world is based on the shifting of group approval. If you can predict or control the sway of a group’s approval, yes, you do have some power. But if you’re constantly spending the votes of the people you influence on your self, three things happen.

First, the group you’re interacting with catches on that you’re only interested in their approval so that you can get more approval. The more sophisticated your product or services are, the more sophisticated your audience is, and the faster they’ll catch on to this.

At that point, they stop listening. And you lose.

Second, you aren’t banking or growing your voting back account. It’s always depleted, and it’s always going to the same place.

Your investment isn’t growing. What could have been an asset is now a liability. You lose again.

Third, the influencers in your approval sphere eventually abandon you. Why should they wield their influence to assist you if you’re not wielding yours in reciprocation?

Losing the influence over the influence? All bad. Third time loser.

And why would we spend all that approval on ourselves? Many reasons – almost all of them lead back to the ego. By definition in our purposes: your consciousness of what your own identity is.

The ability to gain approval from others defines us as humans because we identify our egos as ourselves. If you think this isn’t you, consider the last time you tripped in public or said or did something embarrassing.

Think of the last time someone admitted they look up to you publicly. Remember what you did to get the last person you wanted to date to notice you. Consider what you’d do to get a new customer or client.

A huge percentage of our interactions with others has to do with gaining the approval of others. This carries over into our social media activity. We’re so much ego whether we like it or not.

(Which isn’t Actually your identity, but if you want to get into that discussion, go rent Revolver. Excellent thinking man’s action picture. If you don’t get it the first time, watch it again with the director’s commentary on.)

That doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing to build up an influencer profile and then spend some of that influence on yourself, to spend it on clients now and again, or even to build one just for the sake of self importance. Not to do so would be like going into business with no intention of making a profit.

Sharing just because you care is great, but if you can personally gain from it sometimes, why not?

It’s just — that can’t be your sole point of doing it. It simply doesn’t work.

Now what happens if you are able to master your craving for power, and utilize social media without the constant need for approval.

Three things.

photo credit: Katayun

1- The group is naturally drawn to you. Ponder – do you do more business with the high-pressure salesperson more, or the person who helps you make an educated buying decision?

2- The approval you get becomes collectable. People start to follow you to see what you will suggest next that benefits or entertains them. You can get repeated votes from the same people. You wield influence. You can invest it, spend it or save it for later.

Kind of like currency.

3- You influence the influencers AS an influencer. Your clout increases expontially with each influencer who follows you. And instead of having mediocre results the one time you desire (rather than need) attention for a resource that is based in self-interest, the easier it is to get them to help you.

Now you know WHY you ought to master your social media ego.

Which leaves us with the question – how do you balance your specific selfish interests with your more social ones?

Simply take your ego out of the equation. You can do this by investigating what your own ego boundaries are, and adjusting them as necessary. You can give yourself some artificial ratio for promoting yourself (only once every 25 or 50 shares is a good target.)

Or you can just ask, with each time you use social media, who is going to have more short-term benefit from this? Me or the person reading this?

As often as possible, the answer should be, both.